The Sea Of The Soul

[22:00] <@Marianne> [The feeling of being swallowed, overwhelmed, of falling underwater and drowning…-
[22:00] <@Marianne> [… But she would wake in a dark place. As if the lights were out. There was the sound of someone crying…]
[22:02] * Yanmei slumped there a moment, tried to shake the dizziness that seized her. Finally, she tried climbing to her feet. "'lo?" She cleared her throat and tried again. "Hello?"
[22:09] <@Marianne> [The darkness faded a little, becoming undark. She could see dimly around her. She was… In her bdroom, sitting on her bed. The faint light that illuminated the room seemed to come as though from an eclipsed sun.-
[22:11] <@Marianne> [Sobbing. She could hear sobbing, but there was a girl, a little girl, no older than six years old, standing by the door. She was smiling. She had long violet pigtails.]
[22:14] * Yanmei stared at her. Then stared down at her own hands, trying groggily to grasp what the meaning of this was. A dream? She had just been fighting a little while ago. "What's going on?" she muttered, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and rubbing at her eyes.
[22:17] <@Marianne> [The little girl merely smiled. Somewhere, that sobbing continued.-
[22:17] <@Marianne> [There was a streak of light shining brightly under the door.]
[22:23] * Yanmei tried smiling back at the girl. Weird that she didn't seem phazed by the sobbing. Slowly, she moved past her, toward the door. "I'm just gonna take a little peek, okay?"
[22:23] <@Marianne> [The girl stared up at her with black eyes. Horribly familiar…-
[22:23] <@Marianne> ["Why do you wear those clothes?"]
[22:28] <Yanmei> "Eh?" Yanmei looked down. She was in a knee-length white dress with metallic pink trim and a skirt that was ruffled. Long, fashionable boots and a knit cap topped it off, along with a knit scarf. "Because it feels good to wear them? Don't you think they're cute?"
[22:29] <@Marianne> ["Do you care what I think? Do you care what others see?"]
[22:31] <Yanmei> "Appearence is important. What's wrong with wanting to look good?"
[22:31] <@Marianne> ["Why is appearance important?"]
[22:34] <Yanmei> "The way you look affects many things. It changes how others react to you and how you feel about yourself. It's a way of exploring identity too," she added after a while, thinking of Rei. "You're… why do you look like me? Are you me?"
[22:34] <@Marianne> ["Do you want to control how others think of you?"]
[22:35] <Yanmei> "Well… That would be nice, wouldn't it?"
[22:36] <@Marianne> ["You want others to see you a certain way." Said the little girl, walking over to the bed and sitting on it. "Because you're afraid of showing them who you really are, so you make them see something else. Something fake. Something manufactured, like a doll."]
[22:39] * Yanmei was taken aback. She didn't move from her spot to follow the girl, just staying where she was. "That's awfully rude," she huffed. "And it's simplifying things too."
[22:41] <@Marianne> ["You don't like other people seeing your true face." Said the little girl. "Inside of your shell, you're not what people want to see. You're weak and childish, and you doubt yourself, and you inflict your suffering on others. In other words, your true self is repulsive. But at the same time, you are so desperate for people to look at you, but all you're doing is giving them what they want to see. You are little more than a harlot."]
[22:50] <Yanmei> "What are you…?" A frown was creasing her face. Her brow furrowed. "Being repulsive on the inside has nothing to do with it. There are just some things that are better kept inside." Her head was buzzing a little. "There's someone who can look at those parts of me and not be disgusted. But not everyone can. And even if they could, why should I let them see that?-
[22:50] <Yanmei> If I want to hide them away, why can't I? Does wanting privacy make me a doll or a harlot?"
[23:04] <@Marianne> ["Why do you want attention, then?" The room seemed to pulse, distort slightly, as though it were an organ of a body.]
[23:15] <Yanmei> "Want it? You act like I ask for it. Shouldn't you be asking, 'why do people give me attention'? Why are you here speaking to me yourself? Are you really me?" She had the distinct feeling, with distortion, that she was not. It sent a ripple of horror through her.
[23:15] <@Marianne> ["But you do want attention. You've always wanted it."-
[23:16] <@Marianne> [The sobbing was intensifying now. "You crave it. And that's why the picture you paint in the minds of others is always so picture perfect. You hope, that if you always look good in other people's minds, you'll look good in the people who matter most. You hope, deep down, that your mother will look at you."]
[23:22] <Yanmei> "That's not what this is about! She does look at me now. She loves me…" Desperately remembering her in the Geofront hospital, in the camp in Beijing's Minifront, on the video de Orleans had showed her. "She's always looked after me…" she mumbled. "Even when I wasn't aware of it. That's the truth."
[23:24] <@Marianne> ["She never looked at you. She was always busy, always away. You wanted her to look. And she never did. You desperately wanted her to look at you. You wanted to scream, look at me! You wondered, how can I make myself worth her time? You hid your true self from even your own mother, and you gave her a doll to play with, and of course, she never looked at you. She had no time for dolls."]
[23:30] <Yanmei> "No… she regretted doing that. She said she did!" It stung. She searched for the door again, wanting a quick way out. "That's not the reason she was away so much. She was dealing with things. She had her own life and her own insecurities and her own hopes! And I developed my own life too. That's all it was."
[23:35] <@Marianne> ["Why won't mommy look at me?" Asked a voice. The little girl's voice, although her mouth wasn't speaking. "I have to try harder. For her sake I have to try harder, so one day she'll look at me and be proud…"-
[23:35] <@Marianne> ["… After all, if she's proud of me I can do anything, no matter how worthless I am."]
[23:44] * Yanmei had felt sick before, but now it hit her in a bit wave. "Stop saying that. I -have- worth, damn you! I know who I am, what I am. I'm not worthless. Even if I felt bad then, there's no way I do now!"
[23:45] <Yanmei> ^big wave
[23:45] <@Marianne> ["If you are not worthless, then why do you steal that which belongs to others? Precious things, that should never be taken."-
[23:46] <@Marianne> [There was sobbing, still, louder, but the room distorted once more.-
[23:46] <@Marianne> [The room's walls were morphing and shifting, faces emerging from them, pained and twisted. Faces she recognised as Isabelle's and Adrian's…-
[23:46] <@Marianne> [The girl was standing over a cot now.]
[23:53] * Yanmei backstepped a little… but there was no escape from those faces, pained, accusing faces. "L-loving parents. That's what -you- said you wanted for her. That's what I became!" She took a step toward the girl now, trying to focus on the cot. "I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't steal anything! I didn't! I just… Little Lizzie… Somehow I loved her!"
[23:54] <@Marianne> ["You chose her parents. -You- chose them. You brought them to the Evangelion. It's your fault that they suffered. It's your fault that Elizabeth's father died. It's your fault that Elizabeth's mother is a wreck of a woman. And then you took their daughter for your own. You're a parasite, too cowardly to create, so you steal from others. Is it because Elizabeth, not knowing any better, would -always- look at you?"]
[23:57] <Yanmei> "Shut up! Shut up, you're wrong!" Yanmei shook her head frantically. "I didn't know that would happen! How could I know?! I didn't steal her!"
[00:00] <@Marianne> [The little girl picked something up from the cot- Elizabeth, but her arms were twisted and melted, a multitude of faces- Yanmei's faces- screaming at her. "Look at me! Look at me! Elizabeth!"-
[00:07] <@Marianne> ["Her parents would be true to her. But you- you would lie to her, like you lie to everyone. A child cannot be raised by someone who is so weak and malformed…" The little girl's head was bowed. Tears started to fill her eyes.]
[00:20] <Yanmei> She had almost covered her face and turned away from the sight of the baby, but she stopped. It felt… cruel on top of everything, and a swell of pride and mixed loathing wouldn't allow it. Self-loathing. "Are you crying for her? Me? Yourself?" Yanmei looked down, but just for a moment. She was trying to steady herself, will herself into not feeling sicker. -
[00:21] <Yanmei> "I don't understand what's happening, but it's getting to you too, right?" She stepped forward, arms shakily outstretched. "Let's stop this, okay? Let's leave this place. Don't you want to go home?"
[00:21] <@Marianne> ["You love him."-
[00:22] <@Marianne> [Something fell onto Yanmei's head, sliding down her face. It… Was a little ragdoll, with straw for hair and little blue buttons.]
[00:23] <Yanmei> "!!!" She nearly jumped out of her skin at that… but her hands found the doll and she gazed down at it, stupefied. "…Isaiah…"
[00:27] <@Marianne> ["The love for him, you have. Is it important to you? Even though it sees through your wall of fake dolls, is it precious to you?"]
[00:29] <Yanmei> "V-very important. You have no idea." PIcturing his face now. Trying to blot out the horrors she'd seen. If only she could go home and hug him again…
[00:29] <@Marianne> ["The love. Is it, of itself, worth protecting? That is, if two other people shared it, would -their- love also be worth protecting?"]
[00:31] <Yanmei> "Yes," she whispered. "If two other people shared it, I could understand them. I could say it was worth protecting."
[00:31] <@Marianne> [Those sobs were growing ever louder. They were coming from the walls, now.-
[00:33] <@Marianne> [The little girl turned around and stared into Yanmei's eyes- everything else seemed to melt away. "Then why did you take it from me?!"]
[00:36] <Yanmei> "T-take what?" It hurt. The girl was blurry, and she realized that it was because she was looking through tears. More tears. Had she always cried this much? "Take w-who…?"
[00:56] <@Marianne> ["Don't deny her! She… You killed her! You- you took her from me!"]
[01:01] <Yanmei> "Her…" Reeling. She had to stay standing. She wasn't going to sob, either, but that was only because she had to keep talking. Her voice hitched, but she forced it to smooth out. "She… w-was going to kill us. H-had to protect…" She shook the doll a little. Aimed a watery gaze at the cot. "I'm terrible. But I had to do it."
[01:10] <@Marianne> ["I was alone. I was alone until she came! She healed me, she cared for me and protected me! And you see her as a monster, but she wasn't! You- you hypocrite! She never hid her nature. She never lied or tried to hide who she really was from me. She was so much better, nobler, than you were, and you slew her! You slew her, and I… I'm so lonely…" She started to shiver, and fell to her knees, sobbing. The walls, too, sobbed- the doll in Yanmei's hands sobbed.]
[01:16] * Yanmei stared at her. S-so familiar. It hurt. She deserved to hurt along with this girl and everything else. Deserved worse than that. "Again… N-Nagisa…" but then her throat wouldn't work properly, and she had to stop talking.
[01:33] <@Marianne> ["I'm lonely…" The words echoed.]
[01:41] <Yanmei> Lonely. Loathesome. A monster. More words slipping on top of those, drifting in from corners of her mind. "I'm s-sorry." Pathetic. "S-sorry." Alone. Always alone. It always turned out like this. -
[01:44] <Yanmei> If she was stronger, it wouldn't have to. She wouldn't have to keep making the same mistakes either. But that was wishful thinking. Someone as pathetic and malformed as she was always needed someone. -Anyone-. She stared down. She'd dropped the doll without even realizing it, and the tears came faster. Anyone. ANYONE.
[01:44] <@Marianne> ["I'm lonely."-
[01:45] <@Marianne> ["I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely."-
[01:45] <@Marianne> ["I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely."-
[01:46] <@Marianne> [There was a flash of light- the sobbing, the screams, the words stopped-
[01:46] <@Marianne> [There was a jet of blood-
[01:46] <@Marianne> [And Yanmei slipped into darkness.]

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